SlyBob's Travel Guide to...
Aberfeldy

If you're of a similar, leisurely, outdoorsy persuasion then you'll already be familiar with the Birks of Aberfeldy, an old Scots word for birch trees, of course, but more on that in a minute.

Parking is available off Moness Terrace, which allows a longer stay than the permitted hour in the Square, which is where everybody ends up anyways.

It was there to find the Habitat Café, really rather good with an excellent and extensive light-lunch menu, and some, moistened by the best coffee in Perthshire, probably.

Not good enough, however, according to one cowardly, online commentator a while back who chose to go way beyond the boundary of a bad review. Their username was presumably... 'the_jerk_of_aberfeldy'.

Yeah! Take that you troll! Don't be messing with SlyBob on this here, erm, wireless.

The Habitat Café is no more, by the way, it's now the Fika Coffee Shop, and it can't be confirmed if they still serve the best coffee in Perthshire, probably.

Restored and reopened in 2013, the Birks Cinema is just around the corner - thanks Mike .

It's run by a community group and the Art Deco building is not all about the films, they've coffee and cake and host other special events and conventions.

A particularly popular gathering is Star Trek when members of the audience come dressed as their favourite characters... the 'Captain Kirks' of Aberfeldy.

Yes, we can see where this one is going, eh?

The old watermill used to do just that, grinding the local Dewar™'s distillery's grains.

It worked for over 150 years until 1983 and a couple of renovations later sees it in its current guise, an 'Award-winning bookshop, art gallery, café and "design-led homeware" since 2005', they say.

Still spinning, they say, the wheel supposedly provides the power for the froth on people's frappés, they also say.

Opened, rather randomly, by Michael Palin, no less, there are regular exhibitions in the gallery, and, amongst the books, a small section stocking CDs and sheet music. The 'design-led homeware' has now moved to the high street for the temptation of a tweed couch or a kitchen gadget. Hey! Those pineapples won't core themselves.

Slightly behind the main drag is the mill, and if you've trouble finding it, head back to the Square and Checheks where you could ask one of the... 'Turks' of Aberfeldy.

OK, the restaurant is actually 'Persian & Mediterranean', but a commitment's been made and that's close enough?

This is looking west along Bank Street and those distant hills are almost 15 miles away by flying crow.

It's presumed to be Ben Lawers, a nigh-4,000 footer that's as big as the mountains come round these parts. It's the main attraction on a horseshoe ridge where seven Munros can be 'bagged' in one go, just not today, eh?

An ascent of Lawers was started off on once but the rain kicked in, prior to the wobblies, probably, and yes, that'll be the old vertigo You're still able to motor nearly a quarter up it to a relocated car park and speaking of parking the car...

There looks to be a bit of wealth here and cocking a snoop at the local driveways, a lot of large, German saloons... the 'Mercs' of Aberfeldy.

Head south along Crieff Road and past the old Town Hall until, at last, the Birks of Aberfeldy.

Now, here's a confession, this is becoming something of a struggle. The staff at the bank and the cast of Birds of a Feather nearly got a made-up mention for goodness's sakes. Yes, the 'Clerks' and the 'Quirkes' of Aberfeldy.

It's just a two-and-a-half mile walk up a steep gorge to return via a waterfall. A tip, though, go up the left-hand side where handrails will help you with the hairier bits and the views on the opposite, gentler slope back are supposedly better.

This place was popularised in a 1787 poem of the same name by Robert Burns, no less, who's celebrated in bronze on a bench by the Urlar Burn - thanks Bill .

His penchant for romantic prose make some of it all just a wee bit twee e.g.

Not to mention several mentions of 'Bonnie lassie's.

There's some graffiti on a bench, just as you start on the way back down from the waterfall. Lyrically, the style is a little grittier, urban even, but the subject matter is timeless.

With minimal reworking, this could easily be adapted as a modernised, extended sixth verse...

Yes, lovely spot here. One of... the 'Perks' of Aberfeldy.