It's part of the picturesque village of Pevensey, really, but at just a mile away, the bay serves up the treat of a small, seaside retreat.

The river may be gone and the beach is standard shingle fayre for this stretch of the South Coast but it's where or whereabouts William the Conquerer famously landed in 1066, they say.

It's said 'famously' but Willie Conker is much better known for some eye-watering business near Hastings. His invasion map was found recently, hidden and sewn into the back of the Bayeux Tapestry, honestly. The stitching is faded and it's in French, obviously, but it roughly translates as...

'East of Eastbourne, just past the retail park and sandwiched in between two holiday-camps, vous ne pouvez pas le rater!' That's a joke, of course, but that's how SlyBob landed up here.

With a track record for leaving the coast unguarded, they managed to up their game in the early 1800s.

Napoleon, no less, was threatening to include the UK in his European vacation plans so more than 100 Martello towers were constructed along here and all the way up into Suffolk.

At least threee of them are still standing in Pevensey, two hidden in the housing on the way back out to Eastbourne and another further east heading towards Norman's Bay, all inexplicably overlooked.

It's a shame he didn't invade, Little Boney's Bay is much preferred.

The high street is fairly functional and several shopping parades provide for holidaymakers and locals alike.

With the Beach Tavern boarded up, fleshpot seekers flock to either the Castle Inn or the Bay Hotel although Sky™ Sports sort of spoils this fine building.

Meanwhile, back on the beach, there's a, dare it be said, Bohemian vibe in the back gardens that back onto it.

There's a couple here who are the colour of creosote and who've already cracked open and are cracking on with the rosé at 4 PM. It's not being suggested, it's seriously not, that for the next bunch of potential plunderers, this is still the place to invade.

What with the Martello towers now out of action, it's just this pair of plonkies who are the last line of defence.