Two return tickets to
It's all right, Bob's got this... 'Millun-Gav-Eye?'
Well, that's saved you a few bob because the driver's just kicked you off his bus. Three strikes and you're out in this part of East Dunbartonshire.
It's pronounced 'Mull-Guy' and unlike Anne-Nick you'd be on all day with this one. It's disputedly named after some guy, David, as in 'David's Mill' but unlike the ex-Boro pro footballer David Mills, Milngavie blossomed in the 1980s and the small town centre just about gets away with the modern makeover.
There's a relaxed and prosperous air to the place and everybody commutes to Glasgow, apparently, some of them even by train.
Former fishmongers now relocated to Glasgow but still supplying the fillets for the fryers.
No personal comments on the coley but it's mentioned for no other reason than the bare-faced, cod-cheek use of the vernacular, very good.
This is only six or so miles from the centre of Glasgow but it's rather good ramblin' country. They're very helpful in the tiny Tourist Information and will point you to some trails in and around the town.
Mugdock Country Park and its castle is just up the road and handy if you don't know what to do with some children. Relax, it's not suggested you abandon them there, face painting and nature trails, that sort of thing.
There's also a chance to laugh at the walkers who are passing through having just started the West Highland Way. You're laughing because you know what lies ahead but the West Highland Way you say?
Plenty of options for cake and coffee in Milngavie but this is the pick, probably, since they supply some of the cakes for elsewhere, so there!
Milngavie is the start of of the West Highland Way, you know, the 100-mile long trek to Fort William?
They've made a bit of an effort to mark the start with a board near a small trading estate and there's an equally underwhelming sign at the other end marking the finish but how is this known? Well, SlyBob only went and once done it!
Admittedly, this was back in fitter times and the sunny weather that week was a once in a millennium event and one of the steep bits may have been sidetracked because it might have been lambing season and a man in a van carried the rucksacks and there may have been a bus involved to Crianlarich and there wasn't a tent peg to be seen.
Most people do it in six or seven legs and the record is just under 14-and-a-half hours. It's actually not that strenuous but plans to do it all again, only this time without a bus, are currently on hold.
East meets west where pakoras sit side by side with the pies. Stock up with either for the first leg of that West Highland Way or there's a good selection of spices in the deli section should you be self catering and want to get the wok out.