A trip to Scandinavia in tandem hasn't been done before although Sly has seen the Little Mermaid up close and yes, it is a disappointment.

Stockholm was supposed to happen in 2003 but a lost passport^[1] and hastily rearranged flights meant the beach in Brighton was ended up on, in February, in T-shirts so no, not in the nuddy.

First-time comparisons with Sweden are inevitable but with just five nights here, only the surface will be scratched of the cultural^[2], linguistic and geographical differences? Pitching respective nations to outscore each other in such situations is pointless, right?

Let's give a go anyway.

^[1] Bob's, inexplicably, down the back of a kitchen drawer and the place has since been exorcised.
^[2] Including the price of a pint!

Stockholm is, essentially, three islands and it's supposed that London can call on Dogs, Eel Pie and, at a push, Canvey, to keep the scores level.

To the north, Norrmalm and behind the grand water-front, Stockholm's modern centre and an awful lot of shopping. Rainy day mooching is accommodated in Åhléns City, not a mall but a single department store although Harrods is actually bigger^[1].

No points awarded, though, the largest one in the world is in South Korea, which even has a driving range in it!

^[1] And we all know about that, right fellas?

Kungsträdgården is no Hyde Park but plays host to outdoor events in the summer including the all free ROCKFESTEN.

Yes, it's mainly attended by inkier versions of Bill & Ted but the closing act on Saturday night is particularly being looked forward to... Excellent! [air guitar].

As you head north, things soon run into the residential so a tentative opening with no real, early advantage to either side in the SlyBob Play-Off...

To the south, Södermalm or at least it will be when it's finished.

A sequence of locks^[1] link Lake Mälaren to the left and the Baltic Sea but this watery setup has only gone and made the original, 1935 concrete all rotten.

That's the reason for the rebuilding, you see, and an opportunity to redevelop the area as a new 'civic quarter'.

Gamla Stan is Stockholm's old town, literally, and sits in the water separating the north and south islands, geographically.

Strictly speaking, two more smaller islands here, Riddarholmen and Helgeandsholmen means the subs from down the divisions are being brought off the bench to try and keep it scoreless... Chiswick Eyot and Sheppey^[1], at an even bigger push.

It's on Gamla Stan that you'll find yourself with all of the other tourists for it looks not a little unlike this.

Away from the Scandi knick-knacks and the prohibitively expensive pizzerias, it's also home to Sweden's Royal Palace and Parliament building, the Kungliga slottet and Riksdagshuset respectively.

Now, they're impressive enough but nowhere near as iconic as our own Buck Pal and HP sauce. GERRIN! You can always count on the big guns...

^[1] The Carlton Palmer of islands in the Thames?

There's actually another island, Djurgården, that's a walkable mile east along Strandvägen or the quayside if you'd rather.

It's there that's being headed to for a wander in the 100-or-so acres of woodland. There's some old royal residence or other around every corner and you'll find plenty of these on the ground, the fieldfare, of course.

A couple of these have been clocked up close in the UK but they were dowdier and not nearly so colourful. That'll be because they breed in their numbers in Northern Europe but head west for the winter when there's no need for them to be so 'matey' and all showing off.

Stocking up on cobnuts in Kent is their main concern where, at that time of year, it's not nearly so cold for them, they say. I don't know, they come over here nicking our cobs.

Here, with their strength in numbers and superior, summer plumage...

With Djurgården off the bench and, quite frankly, playing a blinder, things are getting tactical since Stockholm's main visitor attractions are up against now.

Before you get to the woods and the parkland, you'll pass the themepark, Gröna Lund. It's relatively modest but also hosts outdoor concerts in the summer with Marley, Joplin and Hendrix all playing here in its heyday.

There's Glastonbury and its funfair, of sorts, but never having been, they can't be confidently compared. Not never been to Alton Towers, neither, so the best that can be done is this one in Seaton Carew...

Stockholm's main naval yard used to be back over the bridge on yet another island but there was some shipbuilding on Djurgården. The industry lasted well into the 1960s but the island's western shore has now been developed to accommodate the city's main visitor attractions.

These include the Lightship Finngrundet and the ice-breaking SS Sankt Eric, which, despite neither being built here, offer a rare, Krona-free experience^[1].

Meanwhile, back behind the roller coasters and up a slope, this small area of remarkably well-preserved 400-year-old wooden housing would once have been home to the workers of Djurgården's dockyards.

Sting and Jimmy Nail would be appalled at these pristine conditions that give no hint of a hard day's riveting in the winter...

^[1] That includes Gröna Lund even if you are just looking to play the öret^[2] falls.
^[2] It's thought that means penny.

Ever been to Beamish^[1]? You know, the North of England Open Air Museum, all 350 acres of all things largely old and industrial, all renovated and revamped from the Victorians? Well, they've got their own one here called  Skansen and a side-entrance has accidentally been snuck in acausing a teenage attendant some confusion.

But where are the trams? Where's the town with its bakery and bandstand? Where's the school and the Manor House and the mine?

Admittedly, this one's less industrial themed so there are some old farm buildings but it largely looks to be a kiddies zoo with the talent on show mostly homegrown and a lonely looking brown bear who's being fed fermenting fruit twice a day, not shown.

There's no scary dentist's chair and there isn't even anyone making cinder toffee!...

^[1] If you live within a 30-mile radius, the answer is yes and you'll be eyeing the expiry of that annual membership having not quite got round to going back.

Frank Atkinson, a Northern museum curator, of sorts, pitched an idea to Durham County Council in the late '50s 'for the purpose of studying, collecting, preserving and exhibiting buildings, machinery, objects and information illustrating the development of industry and the way of life of the north of England'.

It's hoped his patter was a bit snappier than that but the open-air element of Beamish is now known to be stolen from the tradition of the Scandinavian Folk Museum after Atkinson visited here, probably.

Beamish didn't open until 1972 and Skansen has been here since 1891, the oldest example of its kind in the world, no less, and most of what's in Beamish doesn't even date back to then.

It may have been mentioned earlier that Stockholm is, essentially, 3 islands. There are 14, actually, so thanks to the ref for playing play-on earlier on.

That's not the full story, this is the start of a large archipelago to the east that contains as many as 30,000 islands, they say. You are, therefore, duty bound to take a boat at some point where there's an awful lot of this sort of thing going on.

This is one of the larger lumps of hardened lava, it's thought. The smaller ones are mostly privately owned but Swedes still flock here in July, paying a premium for modest, wooden cabins to swim, fish and sit in the garden in a gazebo for a fortnight. This sounds idyllic and it is, a bit, but...