RyanAir™ might think they've duped you into being dropped off in Milan but Milan-Bergamo Airport only tells half the story. Milano is 30 miles away man!
No, we've come to Bergamo to stay in Bergamo, which has more than enough to see, they say. A walled, medieval town up top with a more functional base below, what better way to get a sense of one's surroundings than to lug it up in 30°C sunshine on your first day?
Acceptable lodgings with a small park outside and it's here that you'll first hear them. Are they grasshoppers, crickets or cicadas even? You'll never know because you'll never see them but they'll follow you round, everywhere! Saying that, Bob's got a touch of tinnitus so barely even noticed them.
There's some respite from the insects come sundown and there's a bar next door with an outdoor area that probably wouldn't have let us in had the bouncer not nipped to the bog. A succession of Lamborghinis and the like pull up and the place is soon full of cowgirl-era Taylor Swifts. Bob feels a little underdressed but more on that in a minute.
Up through what appears to be residentially desirable, you'll soon meet the first of many portas or the old city gates if you'd rather.
The Porta San Giacomo is very late 16th century, built with the walls when the Venetians ruled the roost and 200 years before Napoleon put an end to them. The Venetians that is, the walls are very much intact.
Their empire may have crumbled but the marble hasn't and nice views from up here. That's some reward for the lug up but just when you think that's it, there's a little bit farther to go.
You'll soon reach the Piazza Mercato delle Scarpe but just when you think that's it, there's a little bit farther to go.
Follow the crowds to the Città Alta's main square, the Piazza Vecchia Bergamo Alta, and a few eye-catchers in and around here. The Palazzo Nuovo certainly should be, it's made from more marble and took over 300 years to finally complete.
Following a lengthy spell as the main municipal building, it's now a library housing old documents of some importance and, get this, a collection of 17th-century globes that are over ten-foot round.
Not that this was known at the time so apologies for not reporting first-hand, these sort of things are normally right up SlyBob's street.
Through the gap and Bergamo's mostly more modern cathedral plays second fiddle to the Romanesque, they say, 12th-century Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore.
Parts of this have crumbled, an indicator of its age, but the even-more-marble porch out front is newer and why were the leftovers inlaid on the floor under the arches behind?
It's only a sundial, sunshine, but not your normal type. A gap in a slab from somewhere above projects a ray of light illuminating the inset lines to tell you the time.
Not that this was known at the time, neither, and these sort of things are normally right up SlyBob's street.
Speaking of churches, Milan's gothic whopper of a Duomo ain't too shabby, neither, and nor should it be - this took nearly 600 years to complete.
Thousands of other people agree as they also do in the famous Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II while doing some posh shopping. Because of the crowds, however, and because there's no Edinburgh Woolie Mill™ in there, neither will get much of a look in today.
They're mentioned simply because they're doable from Bergamo in under an hour on a good run, arriving at the overwhelming architecture of Milan's Centrale station.
This didn't take nearly so long to finish and was officially opened during Benito Mussolini's tenure as Prime Minister. To be fair, the train here and the train back were both perfectly punctual.
Meanwhile, back at Bergamo's main piazza, up the stairs and the first floor of the Palazzo Vecchio functions as an exhibition space so a chance to stare at a wall and grumble 'I could do that'.
Not quite, during you-know-what, locked-down Italians took to singing from their balconies and there's a looped video playing of performances in period dress contextualising the recreation of the tradition and it's arguably better than banging a pan?
Despite some 'juxtaposition' being at play, here's a conceptual piece that is actually fathomable and, just like the oft-derided Tracey Emin's My Bed, for once we 'get it'.
While we're on the subject, the area of Lombardy, Bergamo in particular, suffered from a proportionally high number of deaths. Some suggest that a regional, work-driven attitude delayed the restrictions that would later became necessary.
Sound familiar?
The narrow Via Bartolomeo Colleoni heads west where it's all nosh and knick-knacks and everybody here, yes everybody, is day-tripping it from Milan. That means, just like Pisa, it's not nearly so crowded after 7 PM and you'll have the place to yourselves.
Plenty of places to tuck in along here but be warned, they like their polenta up in Northern Italy and if you stray from the pasta or pizza route there'll be a dollop of it somewhere on your plate.
As a lightly flavoured portion of carbohydrate, just pretend it's a slightly cornier version of a much preferable mashed potato although Da Franco are buttering things up with honey and sage.
Have a nice tea did you? Yes thanks, had a lovely bit of chicken with some porridge.
Another piazza leads to another porta but boy what a porta!
The Porta Sant'Alessandro is the western entrance to the old city with a marvellous vaulted ceiling and it's through here to leave the walls behind.
Why bother leaving, though, when we've not that long arrived? Because, just when you think that's it, there's a little bit farther to go.
The village of San Vigilio, whoever they were, sits even higher but fear not, there's a fun funicular to avoid even more of a haul.
When it's said village, it's more of a lofty suburb, these days, but it's home to the first of many baluardos or some form of fortification if you'd rather.
This castle can be traced to 1166 replacing something reportedly Roman and while it's now not much more than a wall, there are, not unsurprisingly, even better views from up here.
It's not too far north to where the Alps kick in or south to where you were earlier and beyond to the Padan Plain, an area that's far flatter and fertile and the source of everything fresh on the quattro stagioni that you'll tuck into tonight, probably.
There's an option to yomp down via the Valley of Biodiversity, which is mentioned for no other reason than you might be able to see it from up here and it's one of just a few leaflets we've randomly picked up.
It's an outdoor museum, really, that emphasises the importance of this agricultural region by educating on all things editable and cultivable. Cereals, vegetables, legumes are seasonally rotated and celebrated alongside a South American section from where they pay huge homage to the tomato, probably.
This sort of thing is normally halfway up SlyBob's street but I dunno, just looks like a large Pick Your Own from up here?
Back down within the city walls and what's this? You're kidding? Check out these fellas, free to roam in La Valletta Colle Aperto and sipping from the buckets left out to keep them cool.
Goats are pretty cool already, cheekier than a sheep and smarter than your average dog, controversial. Don't be fooled by their seeming insouciance, however, they've got one horizontal eye on your pizza slice at least they would if you could be bothered to queue at Il Fornaio.
They can't possibly sell all of the rectangular slabs in their window, surely, although the queue suggests otherwise? What with the Instagram™mers, it's causing quite some cloggage on the narrow street for us natural dawdlers so apologies to the goats, you'll have to get your dinner from elsewhere.
It's onwards and downwards to soon arrive at more of the walls and that's Atalanta Bergamasca Calcio's football ground down there, somewhere.
Atalanta's particularly attractive brand of attacking soccerball saw them, some say surprisingly, see off some yet-to-be-beaten Germans to win Europe's second-tier cup tournament in 2024. They competed competitively with their rivals from Milan during that season and just like Inter Milan, they play in black and blue.
They are the colours that most of their away encounters end in, judging by the numerous grudges with other Italian clubs. Some regional and historical pride is in play, perhaps, and they're now Bob's favourite Italian team but not because they occasionally win something or because I'm a bit of an 'Ultra'.
No, it's just been long enough since the love was lost for Perugia.
Meanwhile, back in Milan, La Scala is covered in scaffolding so unless you're conducting some international finance or strutting down a catwalk, that would appear to be all of the attractions covered?
Walk for ten minutes north west of the cathedral, however, and it's like WHOA! Who put this here?
Only some old duke in the 15th century it would seem and while most people flock to Rome to look at a ceiling, Leonardo da Vinci, no less, had a lesser-known go on one inside preferring vegetables to biblical motifs.
It's surrounded by a marvellous park and the Castello Sforzesco is one impressive fortification bringing to mind the night of the 19th September 2023 and more successful defending.
A backs-to-the-wall effort by Newcastle United F.C. in Europe's top-tier cup tournament held out for a nil-niller at AC Milan's San Siro Stadium.
It's just a shame the same resilience wasn't shown in the return leg but the less said about that the better, eh?
Meanwhile, back near Atalanta's football ground, Porta #3 would be porta #4 had we not skipped the one to the north so settle instead for the easternmost entrance.
You might miss the former monastery if you take what seems like a shortcut past a pop-up fleshpot in the park behind. That simply leads to a play area and a close up of Agostino's baluardo, whoever he was, like naming a porta and a monastery and a fountain after him wasn't enough?
Either way, you'll end up at the same spot from where it's through and down on Via Pignolo.
That all makes for a near 360° tour of the walls and the highlights of the Città Alta. When Via Pignolo eventually runs out, it's time for the lowdown on the Città Bassa.
Most of what's down here is nowhere near as old as what's up there and while the Chiesa dei Santi Bartolomeo e Stefano is early 17th century, the majority of what surrounds is early 20th, a result of the wealthy confidence of a united Italy, probably.
The area is handy, however, for some modern shopping and Bob could do with a shirt. The hotter-than-expected temperatures have rendered the ones that were packed to turn, let's say a little, erm, moist and the air-con, rather bizarrely, is stopping them from drying out.
One likes to look one's best when popping out for a pizza so how about one of those tailored, linen affairs as sported by the local dandies although I draw the line at sunglasses and a jumper over the shoulder.
Deary me? How slim are these people? Pavarotti was from Northern Italy but clearly didn't do his shopping here. While we're not quite in the same category, those XXLs are going nowhere near and buttons will be flying off in all directions.
XXL? We're gonna need an MCMLXXXVIII, which, by the way, is the year when Bob might have last squeezed into one of these garments.
Ravenous but shattered, we won't be shuffling too far from the San Marco for sustenance. Chef Idrissa Kaboré brings a bit of Burkino Faso to Lombardy at Le Goût but advising trippers are far too complimentary and they're fully booked all weekend.
Bu Cheese Bar is good for an aperitif but an impressive platter of charcuterie and dairy isn't really a meal, is it? A pizza it is, then, outside of what could be described as a parade of shops but they're no better than the ones your local hipster joint is firing out back home.
In fact, they'd send these back in old Napoli, the crusts a little doughey and not nearly as charred and crisp as expected. Saying that, should a pizza be held up to such scrutiny? It's not really a meal, is it?
The main drag of Viale Vittorio Emanuele II runs for about a kilometre from the fountain at the train station to the funicular.
Hang on! Didn't you say the funicular to San Vigilio, whoever he was, was up in Città Alta? Well, yes, but we've been a bit, erm, disingenuous here in that there's another that lifts you up initially.
That saves you an unnecessary lug up and will stop you getting a wet shirt but where's the fun in that? We would do later because SlyBob absolutely love these things even though they're often operated by a student with a wrench.
That's not the case here, however, and while it might look like it from here, neither driver would let Bob have a go.
Phew! What a whirlwind, including a minor mooch in the major European city of Milan, but what about Bergamo's portas? There are, in fact, nearly as many of them as there are in an episode of Who Do You Think You Are with Mary Portas, eh?
You will likely find yourselves along Via Zambonate at some point, an area of random retail and residential that's more Euro-familiar than the pedestrian-friendly layout halfway up from the train station.
Tony's Lounge Bar looks dramtically lively with the locals but has some spare seating for eating on the pavement and look, there's Cacio e pepe on the menu. It's more of a Roman thing, really, but the tang of the cheese and the kick of black pepper will make your eyes water more than the bus fumes on this busy route.