Well, here we are again on the annual drift south en route to somewhere else. When we say 'again', we don't mean Retford itself but Notts., which serves up well as a rough halfway point.
That's not, by the way, if you're travelling from York to London, something last noticed by someone called Richard on a dark and sturdy mount answering to the name of 'Bess'.
Good-value lodgings in West Retford, yes, the town is large enough to warrant an east and a west, even a south!
They'll likely house you in a Georgian 'annexe', but don't forget the keycard when you nip to the boot. There's nobody on reception and Sly can't hear your shouts. Idiot!
It's part of the Best Western operation, which could be confusing if it was in East Retford, but it's not because we have some standards.
Retford, the 'place of the red crossing', is recognisably Notts., not that you should ever cross on red, and those who remember their Green Cross Codes will already know that, right codgers?
The crossing in question is the River Idle, and the red might be the clay that coloured the water, but idle it ain't.
It's been known to get too close for comfort, a likely situation jumping forward to February 2026 - will this rain never end?
(looks out of window) Would you believe it has?
(looks 10 mins. later) No, it's started again.
'Recognisably Notts.' refers to the distinctive red brickwork that's prevalent everywhere, yes everywhere, in the county.
Even Sports Direct™ trades from somewhere sympathetic to the style.
It's largely mid-19th-century onwards and while there's a semi-industrial vibe, that revolution occurred elsewhere and Retford always thrived as a market town despite the nearby mines.
Market towns demand market squares, and some old Royal Charter, whatever that was exactly, means they've been haggling here since the 13th century.
Much of the stuff on display at the Friday morning flea market looks to date from around then, as well.
The square is dominated by the Italianate town hall, and the building is still a meeting place for the fat cats at Bassetlaw District Council, now available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
The Victorians didn't do their full demolition job here, though, several Georgian townhouses remain with the lower levels fronting a few fleshpots. Retford's hip-and-happening offering is Rondo Lounge, an unusual chain whose theme is unlikely towns.
There's no real need to seek the advice of advising trippers on the crafty brews and extensive menu because, as should be known by now...
The excitement of a random tandoori in a random UK town always delivers, as does Gurkha if you give them a call.
Take your pick from here or the Everest Tandoori opposite or Maira’s Kitchen further down, but the wait might be longer than expected.
Two older ladies are deliberating, one doesn't like onions and the other don't like it too spicy. Deary me, what are you doing in here? There's a Wetherspoon™s over the road women man!
Spoons have a tradition of naming their pubs based on the history of the place or the old building they invariably inhabit. The inevitable offering in a settlement of this size is called the Dominie Cross, a stone cross, which marked Retford’s southern boundary in medieval times.
There are no awards for the nearly-out-of-date ale, but the Director of Contrived Waterhole Branding gets a creditable (3/5) for an obscure, local reference. That would be a (4/5), but the base of the cross can still be found outside the town hall. Harsh?
As for inside? It's a Wetherspoon™s man!
The retail looks to be fairly routine along Carolgate, although it's nice to see A.W Bacon & Sons doing a roaring trade.
Meats of the savoury and sweet varieties mix in this combined butchers and bakers that hasn't yet branched out into chandlery. The local institution appears to be Retford's preference over the big baking guns of Coopland™s and Gregg™s.
Coopland™s? A Scarborough-based chain with branches mainly in Yorkshire, Lincolnshire, Nottinghamshire and County Durham.
Greggs™? A Newcastle-based chain with branches absolutely everywhere but the South West. No, down there they're as popular as a McDonald™s in rural France.
On the subject of big guns, what's this thing doing here? It was captured during the Crimean War at Sebastopol and auctioned off by the army in a job lot of other enemy ordnance.
A pair of prominent locals fronted the funding following a request by the father of a serving son, but a battle on a par with Balaclava ensued as to where it should be sited. Outside of the town hall? The grammar school?
Those who had coughed up the most eventually agreed on this location and it's been here since 1859, sort of. It mysteriously 'disappeared' in the early years of World War II when the call was made for all metal not considered essential to be melted down for the effort.
Not until 1950 did it reappear and it's been here ever since, definitely.
On the subject of big guns, Newcastle United are playing Barcelona in the Euro. Super Cup and, wouldn't you know it, the Galway Arms, a traditional-looking boozer, has it on TV.
Retford, the 'place of the red crossing' and some of the crossing in the second half is making this fairweather NUFC fan see red. The competent Catalans will prevail with the progress down the black and white flanks, quite frankly, frustrating.
'A pint of IPA please'... 'GERRIT IN THE BOX MAN!'... 'and a G&T, thanks.'
Make it a double? Well, go on... The Toon won't be winning one of those anytime soon.
This sizeable chunk of reclaimed sand and gravel pits just north of town will have twitchers jerking furiously at the sight of a gadwall, when in season. It's the largest area of wetland in Notts., no less, covering over 600 City Grounds and it's even got beavers in it!
Three miles long from top to toe makes for a full afternoon out, but, most importantly, they have a café, and that's how committed we are.
Bit of a shame, then, it's nearly sundown on arrival in Retford and it's now in the wrong direction on departure so we can't really comment, really. Apart from that, SlyBob highly recommend it.