Welcome to the Lake District, at least there would be a welcome if you were three miles farther west.
Penrith sits just outside the official boundary of the National Park, you see, and just the wrong side of the M6 if it's mint cake you're after.
It has to settle for being a 'Gateway' if your direction is from the north or east but for people heading to the wettest car park in the world, they're already nearly there so there's no real need to stop?
Not only is this not the Lake District, it doesn't look much like it, neither, with nowhere near as much of the famed, Cumbrian slate as you might see in Keswick, say.
These redbrick buildings, however, also look great and the whole area around Market Square has the feel of an open-air museum.
Farming fuelled the town's formation and while tourism plays its part, agriculture remains the most important industry in the immediate area.
Not that everybody is still stacking hay for a living. No, Domino™s used to distribute dough balls from the outskirts and Gregg™s still satisfy the nation's cravings for the sweeter side of their menu from the same industrial estate.
They're just two but not all of your dining options...
The excitement of a random tandoori in a random UK town always delivers, as does the Indian Plaza if you give them a call.
It shares the same building with the old-skool Alhambra Cinema - thanks Kenneth - and the restaurant's dining room is one of the former screens.
That's ironic since the last showing was Goshtbusters starring Dhansakyroyd, eh?
Don't get too excited, by the way, at the 'Exotic Platter' starter dish. It's just a scaled-down version of all your familiars but nice try, anyways, and you got Bob good there guys.
They've wisely provided some indoor arcades as an escape from the mini-maze of lanes because, as we now know, this is not the Lake District but the weather is no respecter of boundaries.
If this was the Lake District, here would ordinarily be packed with knick-knacks but no, this is a town where people actually live and they're selling things that people actually need.
See also the shops along Middlegate and while there are some options for your more leisurely, outdoor pursuits, not every other store here is trying to flog you a waterproof coat.
This is not the Lake District, remember?
One thing that Penrith does have in common with the Lake District is the traffic and you'll be watching your Green Cross Codes around Market Square where the busy A592 intersects with the even busier A6, right road fans.
There's some respite along the pedestrianised Little Dockray, named after some financially fortunate family who were active in the local area.
There's already been a clue as to an influx of second-home owners in the Devonshire Arcade and yes, that'll be our old friends the Cavendishes who played some part in the town at some point.
Angel Square, Angel Lane and by association the Angel Clinic, however, seem to simply refer to the Angel Inn, a prominent boozer back in the 19th century and speaking of unimaginative naming...
The Dog Beck is a stream that used to run through but now runs beneath Penrith. There are no awards for their nearly-out-of-date ale but the Director of Contrived Waterhole Naming gets a creditable (3/5) for not calling it the Cumberland County Clinic, one former function of this fine building.
As for inside? It's a Wetherspoon™s man!
Occupying a strategic point at the top of the Eden Valley, an area bounded by the Lakeland Fells and the Pennines to the east, Penrith has needed defending over the centuries. The Romans thought so too, often from savage gingermen heading south on their holidays but it was the Celts who started it, probably.
Many place names in Cumbria are thanks to the Vikings and that includes anything ending in -thwaite or -by, by the way. Penrith, however, derives from a primitive form of Welsh and we don't mean the kind you might hear on a Saturday night in Cardiff.
The Celts were the first to settle here, they think, but it wasn't until the 14th century that they got themselves a proper castle.
You'll find it near the train station and a big B&Q but it has been inexcusably overlooked today.
Yeah. We're off to the Lake District.
On reflection, there might have been a bit too much banging on about this not being the Lake District. Penrith, however, makes an ideal, alternative base and the area of the Eden Valley to the south was much beloved by the beloved Alfred Wainwright who was out there in all weather, suitable clothing sported.
Generations of Geordies, by the way, have taken the scenic route from Tyneside via Alston and over Hartside Pass, which is nearly 2,000 foot up before it plops you out near Penrith.
The pass used to have a café on it before it burned down one winter afternoon and fire crews had to follow a snow plough up to douse the flames.
If that had happened 50 years earlier, Wainwright would have been up there with a bucket in a flash!