Welcome to the Lake District, at least it would be a welcome if you were three miles farther west.
Penrith sits just outside the official boundary of the National Park, you see, and the wrong side of the M6 if it's mint cake you're after.
It has to settle for being a 'Gateway' if your direction is from the north or east but people heading to the wettest car park in the world are already nearly there with no need here to stop.
Not only is this not the Lake District, it doesn't resemble it much, neither, with the famed, Cumbrian slate nowhere near as noticeable as it is in Keswick, say.
These redbrick buildings, however, look great in a different way and the whole area around Market Square has the feel of an open-air museum.
Farming fuelled Penrith's formation and while tourism plays its part, agriculture remains the most important industry in the immediate surroundings.
Not that everyone is still stacking hay to make a living. No, Domino™s used to distribute dough balls from the outskirts and Gregg™s continue to satisfy the nation's cravings for the sweeter side of their menu via the same industrial estate.
They are two but not all of your options to eat...
The excitement of a random tandoori in a random UK town always delivers, as does the Indian Plaza if you give them a call.
It shares a structure with the old-skool Alhambra Cinema - thanks Kenneth - and the restaurant's dining room is one of the former screens.
That's ironic since the last showing was Goshtbusters starring Dhansakyroyd, eh?
Don't get too excited, by the way, at the 'Exotic Platter' starter dish. It's just a scaled-down version of everything familiar so nice try, anyways, and you got Bob good there guys.
They've wisely provided some indoor arcades as an escape from the mini-maze of lanes because, as we now know, this is not the Lake District but the weather is no respecter of boundaries.
If this was the Lake District, here would ordinarily be packed with knick-knacks. This, though, is a town where people actually live and they're selling things that people actually need.
See also the shops along Middlegate and while there is the odd option for more leisurely, outdoor pursuits, not every other store is trying to flog you a waterproof coat.
This is not the Lake District, remember?
One thing that Penrith does have in common with the Lake District is the traffic and you'll be watching your Green Cross Codes around Market Square where the busy A592 intersects the even busier A6, right road fans.
There's some respite along the pedestrianised Little Dockray, suitably signed after a financially fortunate family who were active in the local area, by the way.
We've already had a clue as to an influx of second-home owners in the Devonshire Arcade and yes, that'll be our friends the Cavendishes, players of some part in Penrith at some point.
Angel Square, Angel Lane and by association the Angel Clinic, however, seem to simply refer to the Angel Inn, a prominent boozer back in the 19th century and speaking of unimaginative labelling...
Spoons have a tradition of naming their pubs based on the history of the town or the old building they invariably inhabit. The inevitable offering in a place of this size is called the Dog Beck.
That's the name of the stream that used to run through and now flows beneath Penrith. There are no awards for their nearly-out-of-date ale but the Director of Contrived Waterhole Naming gets a creditable (3/5) for not calling it the Cumberland County Clinic, one former function of this fine edifice.
As for inside? It's a Wetherspoon™s man!
Occupying a strategic point at the top of the Eden Valley, an area bounded by the Lakeland Fells and the Pennines to the east, Penrith has needed defending over the centuries. The Romans thought so too, often against savage gingermen heading south on their holidays although it was the Celts who put the first fences up, probably.
Many place names in Cumbria are thanks to the Vikings and that includes anything ending in -thwaite or -by, by the way. Penn-rïd, however, is from a primitive form of Welsh and we don't mean the kind you might hear on a Saturday night out in Cardiff.
They think the Celts were the original settlers but the people didn't get themselves a proper castle until the 14th century.
You'll find it near the train station and a big B&Q where it has been inexcusably overlooked today.
Yeah. We're off to the Lake District.
On reflection, there might be a bit too much banging on about this not being the Lake District. Penrith, however, makes an ideal, alternative base and the area of the Eden Valley to the south was beloved by the beloved Alfred Wainwright who was out in all weather, suitable clothing sported.
Generations of Geordies, by the way, have taken the scenic route from Tyneside via Alston and over Hartside Pass, which is nearly 2,000 foot up before it drops you down close to Penrith.
The pass once had a café on it until it caught fire one winter afternoon and emergency services were seen to follow a snow plough to reach and douse the flames.
If that was 50 years earlier, Wainwright would have been up there with a bucket in a flash!