It's 'A serene, 50-hectare island within the Loch Lomond & The Trossachs National Park National Nature Reserve', alright, but more on that in a minute.
First, you have to get there, so we're back at the pier and, erm, beach in Luss, for a waterbus across the loch from Balmaha, which, conveniently, means a waterbus across the loch to Balmaha.
You have to hurriedly buy the wrong tickets online, these days, because there's no longer a man in the booth, and nobody responds to the waving of brown £Walter Scotts no more.
No matter, but isn't there already a comprehensive exploration of Balmaha, yes there is, thanks very much, when we went there before? There is indeed, but never by boat, besides we're not going to Balmaha but jumping off at Inchcailloch, one of the many islets formed by the Highland Boundary Fault.
It's not the one with wallabies on it, that's Inchconnachan, where they were introduced in the '40s by Fiona Gore, née Colquhoun, Countess of Arran and powerboat racing champion to boot, seriously.
They're unlikely to get jumpy as you pass, however, hidden in the undergrowth. Gaze a little higher, though, for something exotic of the winged variety.
One of several pairs of breeding ospreys, names unknown, on and around the loch. Dad soon takes flight but is too quick for these not-so-nimble fingers while mum pulls a blurry 'What you looking at?' stance.
They holiday here from Africa during spring to September, with her leaving early for him to see the kids off to school. Fast forward to next April when they'll hopefully return to repeat this miraculous cycle, marvellous!
As for Inchcailloch itself, it's just over a kilometre long and only half that wide. It sits at a jaunty angle from where you can nearly touch Balmaha, but, get this, you could spend an afternoon here, almost.
A circular trail hugs the shore through woodland and what will be a carpet of bluebells in a fortnight.
At least that would have been the case 20 years ago when we started to frequent these parts. Ten years ago, this would be a carpet of bluebells, but today the carpet of bluebells is on the way out, and we're right with you now, right Greta?
If Luss' Faerie Trail didn't destroy you, a path through the middle provides a bit of up and down. That includes diversions to an ancient burial ground but not just any ancient burial ground, only a Scheduled Ancient Monument, no less.
St. Kentigerna was an early-8th-century Irish missionary who holed up here or hereabouts, they say. While none of this is that old, some of the stones stored in a shed, not shown, are reputedly from the 13th, and that's gonna get anyone Scheduled Ancient Monument status?
It's down and back up to the top of Tom na Nigheanan for what's not just the best view on Inchcailloch but the best in the whole of Scotland, some say.
It's up there, literally, and the 'hill of the daughter' is a nod to old Kentigerna because she was a she, you see, and, not surprisingly, someone's daughter. She would later live reclusively as a widow on Inchcailloch, 'the isle of the cowled woman', which isn't quite as nice a way to be remembered, eh?
Kentigerna went by the name of 'Mo-Cha' in Gaelic, and a pair of enterprising brothers based in Balmaha, also a derivation, spotted the wordplay opportunity to open the St. Mocha Coffee Shop.
They boast their own roasting kit as well as incredible ice creams, not to mention buttery, bacon baps at their other operation in Aberfoyle.
When it was said earlier you could spend an afternoon here, almost, you might end up having to. It's not known how the boat can be running so late, and the American family, despite being advised otherwise, did have time to make it to the top of Tom na Nigheanan and back.
There are worse places to wait, though, than in a sandy bay, not shown, and it hasn't dampened the spirits of the skipper, even when he has to head back to Balmaha to drop a pair of passengers who inexplicably missed the stop.
Qualifications for captaining aren't purely nautical, no, a good line in patter covering all things historical and zoological is required, and both legs deliver on the informative front.
There's even a rendition of the double-bonnie banks of the loch we're on as we arrive back at Luss, but if you're not bothered about being aboard for more than an hour of the afternoon, the quickest way to Inchcailloch is from Balmaha.
For a smaller fee, a man in Balmaha's boatyard will ferry you what's not much more than 500 metres, and this is the route worshippers would row across before lugging it up to the chapel.
This happened until well into the 1700s when the parish church relocated to the mainland, rumoured to be because the singing had diminished to a virtual silence.
Yeah, their arms were all too tired to hold up the hymnbooks.