Here be a popular stop-off spot on the western banks of Loch Lomond and the car park could serve Glasgow Airport.

The hourly rate's not quite as extortionate so, small change at the ready, barge past the pensioners and head straight for the Coach House Coffee Shop.

The faded awards are a little, well, faded, but a new one would be given tomorrow because their scones may have shrunkflated from the size of small turtles, but the seasoning of the soup is still right on the salt.

When you're ready to walk all that off, there used to be a visitor centre at the far end of the car park pointing to several gentle trails into the local woodland, but it's since closed so you'll need to improvise, these days.

Whatever your way, you might find some wild iris or fleur-de-lis growing. There's an unconfirmed rumour that this Lis or Lys or Lus had a hand in the place name, but none was seen flowering nor, for that matter, any of their pies in the Village Store.

Remember Eddie Colquhoun, the uncompromising Sheffield Utd. defender from the 70s? No? Then you've clearly never had a football sticker album?

Well, this is bang in the middle of Clan Colquhoun country and current Clan Chief, Sir Malcolm of Luss, no less, presides over the operation of the Luss Estates Company.

They own everything you will see and do around here and these small, traditional stone cottages are now mostly holiday homes so won't be found on Zoopla™ anytime soon.

Parking in the village became a bit of a problem so they come with their own traffic cones and just about room inside to swing one.

Despite the spelling, Colquhoun is pronounced 'Ka-Hoon', which is handy, no doubt, for the busloads of Japanese visitors. Gaelic pronunciation is presumably difficult enough already, especially over there in Inveraray.

The place used to go by the name Clachan Dubh or the 'dark village' because the surrounding hills can make sundown appear an hour-or-so earlier here.

They don't help during a rainy daytime, neither, most previous visits could be described as '40 Watt' but no such problem today down at the pier and, erm, beach on Loch Lomond.

Ben Lomond in the background is one of the main offenders and is Scotland's southernmost Munro, a Scottish mountain of 3,000 foot and rising. It still sports snow in May and there are 282 Munros with obsessive outdoor types trying to bag the lot.

The ascent is, from memory, truly interminable but can be considered ticked making SlyBob's combined tally currently stalled on 7½. Just another 274½ to go, then?

All because Bob once didn't quite make it to the top of Sgorr Dhearg when the wobblies kicked in but enough energy was expended to warrant a half and yes, that'll be the old vertigo.

Don't be deceived by the modest-looking hills behind, they're the first to feel any rain from the west and conditions can turn just like that.

For the more adventurous among you, take the bridge over the A82 for a rugged afternoon following the... Faerie Trail.

That's a joke, of course, rugged-wise, but there's a fairy bit of work gone into this attempt to get families outdoors and to encourage the spending of more than just half-an-hour in Luss.

It's been opened up by Luss Estates using old paths to and from a disused slate quarry and you might want to fund the upkeep with a couple of quid if you've not already paid for the kids' booklets.

That's thought to be fairy nuff, eh?

Returning by the river, there's more supernatural nonsense in a field back over it, at least there possibly still could be if they ever get round to repairing the footbridge. A bit of pasture has been given a religious theme and the word 'retreat' might even be in play.

St. Kessog is a reminder of Luss' importance as a 6th-century, Christian pilgrimage destination, apparently,

In these secular times, however, they've not managed to quite fill all the boards that highlight the world's other main spots.

Luss Parish Church is on the site of Kessog's former pad but the present effort dates from just 1875 after some old Colquohon or other drowned in the loch.

It's now known to be a major draw on the religious-tourism circuit and up to 2,000 people can visit on a good day, they say, which is another good reason to get to the Coach House early.

The church, by the way, is where Noel Edmonds, no less, married at the second attempt but that turned out to be a No-Deal and he'd go on to do it again in the Cotswolds.

The Luss General Store isn't really so don't come here expecting crisps and pop, and they no longer serve, which they randomly did, fish & chips out back.

As well as the new Faerie Trail-related merchandise, it's mostly tartan art with a smattering of tartan knick-knacks and provided one of the backdrops for Take the High Road, a Scottish TV serving of soapy, afternoon fayre that ran for nearly 10 years during the 1990s.

Until rather recently, this place was still somewhat old-fashionedly dining out on the fact. You yourself could have dined out on the shortbread, from an elderly gent stood with a platter who couldn't quite remember if he'd already offered you a piece.

Now it's been revamped and together with the refurbishment of the Loch Lomond Arms Hotel, Luss looks to be looking to the future, but a worrying eavesdrop in the Coach House Coffee Shop. They're a bit concerned the organised coach trips aren't stopping here anymore.

It's not known why, it's easy enough to get to, just take the... well, take the A82, actually, where you'll find it nine miles north of Balloch.